The Birthday Epiphany

April 29, 2008

I lay in bed awake wondering what time it is. I roll over and peel my right eye open trying to focus on the numbers of the clock it reads 4:43am. Thinking to myself, "what am I doing awake?" It is too early, I want to sleep. I admit to myself, I am my mother's daughter.

It is a known fact in our family that the Toomer women awake at wee hours of the morning. Why? Who knows but we do. I have seen it in my mom, sisters, aunts and cousins. So I know it has to be a gene, and I have it!

I sit up in bed and think, If the sun pops from the clouds today I want to feel and see the morning sun as it breaks into my room. So I get up go to the bathroom and open the window blind. I look around the room and climb back into bed. I pull the covers back up to my chin and curl up into fetus position hoping to fall back to sleep. It doesn't take to long before I know I will not be falling asleep, but I lay in bed continuing to hope. I start to ponder, today I turn 41. Wow, where has this time gone? I think what have I accomplished. It is at this age my mother had been married 19 years, had 8 children, a home, 2 cars and a career. It gets a little depressing and I start to think of a million things that a women can think of in these wee early morning hours. Especially one who is turning a year older, single, financially struggling and not living the life she always dreamed of. Depressing! "Stop depressing yourself, it's your birthday," I say to myself.

I start to focus on this one thought that has been impeding me for sometime. This is something that I have been recognizing over the last year or which has started to effect me. I know their are millions of people out there that have this same issue. But for me, only until recently, has it come to rear its ugly head. I am fat, overweight, obese…..whatever you want to call it.

Now I am not denying that I have been for sometime but I can honestly say I never looked at myself that way. In my subconscious I would see myself as beautiful, inside as well as out. I have felt this way for years but not until recently has this started to be skewed. You may think I am arrogant or vain but really this is how I have felt. Being unable to sleep…awake and pondering I pulled my scriptures and other books to my bed and I started to search.

I looked up Faith, Word of Wisdom, Repentance, Belief, Behaviors, Habits, Goal’s.

Faith:
The Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley remarked in his talk on faith. Faith the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (We Walk by Faith, Ensign July 2002)
Faith in Christ and our love for him lead us to repent or to change our thoughts, belief and behaviors. So as I have faith in Christ he will help me to recognize what I need to do.

Word of Wisdom:
I read, D&C 1:31 "The Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance.”

I don't know if I really have been sinning when it comes to the Word of Wisdom, I don’t drink alcohol and I don’t use tobacco so I think I am living the Word of Wisdom but there is more to the Word of Wisdom them this. I found in a New Era Article dated February 1971, Mrs. Winnifred Jardine stated: “The application of the Word of Wisdom is a matter of personal discipline and restraint. There is more then the don’ts, “It has to do with eating foods that are healthful, and eating them in a quantity right for us.” Dr. Curtis stated: We’ve been given the basic guidelines; our bodies are holy tabernacles and we are to use wisdom and all the good judgment we possess in caring for them. Mrs. Jardine also stated, “We need to eat simple foods only to satisfy hunger, not to gorge or stuff. It should not be used for emotional issue. Keeping food in its proper place: eat to sustain good health. The body’s needs’ will then have been met, and both body and mind are then free to turn to more important things.”

It sounds so simple but I can’t tell you how much I have gorged myself as well as stuffed my face to satisfy an emotional issue. Yummy cookies, chocolate brownies with ice cream…my mothers cooking. The good food as I call it. But then I eat the fast food, ice cream on the go & can’t forget my out-to-eat with friends’ food. All I know is I have gained 60 lbs in 10 years. This is not healthy living and the Word of Wisdom is the Law of Health.

The Lord promises: Blessing (of health), Strength, Protection (against evil), and Receptiveness (to spiritual truths). I want to live the law of health because why would I want to deny myself the promise he offers up if we do live the Law of Health (Word of Wisdom).
I do want to treat my body with respect and reverence. It is a gift.
So with that in mind I decide maybe little (ok a bit more then a little) repenting is needed.

Basics of Repentance:
I have taught this on my mission and I should know them. I think there are six steps, or was it five. I need to get out my mission discussions and go back over what I do know and need to remind myself. 1-recognizing sin, 2-resolving (confess), 3-request (prayer), 4-restitution (make right), & 5-Resist (never do again).

I also looked up in the churches missionary guide about habits and here is a little information that I thought was helpful for me. I know I don’t have a drug habit or smoking habit but eating habit (either over eating or under eating) can be just as damaging. So I have worded things a little differently as I read them.·
-Repentance will lead to the changes of belief and behaviors.
-People must stop ongoing, ingrained ways of inappropriate acting. (over eating)
-Undesirable actions must be replaced with health and appropriate (eating) behaviors.
-The emotional & physical urges may not fully go away but you have the gift of the Holy Ghost which will strengthen your ability to over come these challenges.

I know I have ingrained ways of eating, and my behavior is a control I like to have that no one can take away from me. Only I can make the change, or even better “Only I, along with the Lord, can make that change”. He is not going to force me to change, he will be there to help me, that I do know.

Habits:
The habits we develop within the family are hard habits to break. We tend to hold on to them, sometime throughout our life. Being the oldest of 8 and I know that I would always take large portions to make sure I would get enough of the food I loved and just case there was not enough for 2nds. Then if there was leftover’s I still got my 2nds on top of the large portion I had before. Or, when I love a food which is tasty and delicious I do not want to stop eating it, I want as much as I can get until I am sick. You know the ones; Buffet type eating’s or Thanksgiving eating’s, as I call them. The Missionary Guide talks about:
How do I over come my habits:

1. Set goals:
a. How you will live… Examples:
No sugar (not very realistic for me right now) so I say no sugar M,W,F.
No ice cream: expect on Trips & Birthdays
No fried food but on week-ends
No Carbonated drink (gradual removal every other day)
Drink water (if you need something more crystal light or diet drink
Eat tons of veggies
Exercise every day (at least 3 times a day) working up to every day etc…

2. Pray
a. For help
b. Guidance
c. Strength
d. Recognition

3. Be positive

4. Use Prayer & Faith as a source of strength

5. Attend church regularly

6. Priesthood Blessings (if and when needed)

7. Remove all substance from home, work, car that do not deem healthy for following rules. ( chip, cookie, candy bars, soda pop etc.)

Now I do have to say, I have had to make the system works for me.
About a year ago I set a “rule”. Here is my example: I LOVE Blizzards. I found that I was having one at least once or twice a week. That puts on the pounds. So I finally said, I could only have a Blizzard on road trips. Of course I had to put in an exception. I get to reward myself if I did not get a blizzard on a trip. That rule was I could use it at a time outside of the trip. So my road trips to my parents became the Blizzard trip. I then found that I was not always stopping for a Blizzard because I wanted to get home. Knowing I could have a Blizzard when I got back to my place. I soon found that I was not having Blizzards at all but maybe once every 3 months or so, if that. Now, I know if I had said no Blizzards ever I would never have been able to do it. But with this little “rule” I set for myself was able to accomplish it. It is little steps like this that I think this will work for me.

Behavior:
I decided that I needed questions to help me understanding my actions and here are some of them:
1-Do you think you have a eating problem?
2-Do you eat late at night?
3-Do you think others think you have a problem but you don’t see what the issue is?
4-Do you want to lose weight but it never works out? You think…Why try?5-Are you a rebellious eater?
6-Are you an emotional eater?
7-Do you get frustrated when others tell you what to do and eat?
8-Do you eat as a response to stress?
9-Do you eat as a response to others telling you what you should or should not have?
10-Do you know you should not eat something but will anyway because you can?
11-Do you stash food?
12-Do you eat food you have hidden or no one is around?
13-Do you hoard food?
14-Does food make you happy?
15-Do you have a fear of death?

As I think about all of the things I have been reading and writing down I recognize what I need to do to improve myself. I do want to be the beautiful person outside that I think of when I think of myself on inside. I want to be a better individual for myself at 41 even if the dreams I always thought would come true have not yet happened. I climb out of bed and get on my knees and say a little prayer of thanks for this day the day of my birth. I get to be turning 41 and celebrate the life I have, to feel the love of the Lord and how he helps me handle the challenges in my life. I look out the window still no sun only clouds but it is a gorgeous day….It is MY Birthday!